You'd think I could find my way out of anything...

with an @$$ that glows!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 ~Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is another one I have to think about on a night that I just can't really think.. but here it goes...

I really think that lately I have maybe finally done this by realizing that the mistakes I've made in my past are just that. PAST MISTAKES and I don't have to let them affect my life anymore. I might not have fully "forgiven" myself for them, but I'm working on it. One of them being the fact that there are times in your life that taking risks and chances are part of really living and I may not be a kid anymore and those opportunities may come fewer and farther between, but they're still gonna come and I need to start taking them!  

Thursday, September 30, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 2~ Something you love about yourself

Knowing that I have this understanding of people in general and have the capacity for Unconditional Love, even though that has become more of  a curse lately it seems. 
I hope that doesn't sound conceded...I never know if I sound that way, or if I'm just being honest or what. I'm supposed to be talking about what I love about myself and I don't know if right now at this point, if I even LIKE much. I'm going through changes and trying to go back to the person I do love... but I think it hurt then too. 

Maybe I'll just try to come back to this one in a few days or something... 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

30 Days of Truth

I had a friend who got this from another blogger and thought I was something I should like to try as well. Just as she has done I am not promising to do this in a sequence of consecutive day but will try my best to keep up as much as possible. 

Day 1~ Something you hate about yourself

I hate the fact that I am not the same strong person I was in high school. Although it was what I will refer to as "friendly harassment" some someone I considered a close friend that helped me to be that way at the time. Which basically just means he picked on me all the time but was still my friend and helped me build up a thick skin so when it came in nasty ways from my peers it didn't bother me. However, there was then a HUGE, like BIGGEST EVER betrayal by this same person right after high school and my world fell apart in a way the I never imagined it could, hence the downfall of my pride (that, granted was well hidden from those around me) and strength in myself. The one thing I've never lost is my Strength in my Faith in God, even though that is something rarely seen these days as well. So I hate being the outcast I have made myself.

On a good note though, I have seen this things about myself and started to make changes on the inside the pop the bubble around me and start to try and be that person that I've lost again. It's hard and is taking more work than I'm able to put into it right now, because I know the easiest way to be the real me I want to be is to walk away from every one and every thing in my life right now. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.... I know once my child is here I will be able to make myself strong enough to do it because I won't have any other choice.


You're in my head all the time now... I tell myself it's time to let go... But when I start to analyze it I keep coming up with the fact that it's for all the right reasons... The problem with that is I'm a freak'n Sagittarius and you KNOW where our minds always lead! Then, well, shit, THEN I remember you're a Sag. too and that makes my brain just go all wacky. I think that if I finally get to meet you, especially in the 'state' I am now, I will be able to let go of the fantasy and maybe have a piece of reality to think about. Maybe re-spark the inspiration and admiration that you did before. The crazy straying thoughts may take me out of the mundane but I am then stuck with the fact that the mundane is my real life and very soon I really am going to just have to deal with it. If I ever get to hold on to a piece of the fantasy for will last me a lifetime. I will not count on it EVER. I keep telling myself it won't EVER happen and all my efforts in trying to make it happen myself have fallen through over and over and only come across as selfish. I will never have you, but someday maybe I will find someone like you, someone who is everything a woman with a brain needs and wants in her life. Maybe it will be you and it will be the most awesome supporting, encouraging friendship I could think to ask for... that would truly be enough and a strong enough kind of love to sustain me for always. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

How to write a letter...?

Okay, I'm blogging this because I want to write a letter to a person without coming off all fan-girly. I admire and respect this person more than any other person - EVER.
You know how in school, starting in like 1st grade they start asking you what you wanna be when you grow up? Or who your "idol" is? Who do you wanna be like when you grow up? I've never really had an answer for that. Seriously. I'm the oldest, so never named my siblings, I never named a family member, except in the absence of having a real answer and needing one or getting an 'F'.
I never really looked up to any celebrities or musicians either. I could say I was impressed with people say, like Aerosmith, or Richard Patrick, or anyone like that that came out of the drug and alcohol induced fog of their existence, survived and led others to do the same. But that was a place I'd never actually been, and wasn't really interested in trying to feel that other side. I still don't.
My point being that I stumbled upon this person, finding him to be everything I'm not, but would like to be, using his open heart and mind to not only stand up but REALLY FIGHT for what he believes in and it's carried over into thousands of other lives. I see evidence of this almost every day. Yes, he's beautiful to look at, but I very quickly saw past that when I started LISTENING to what he was saying.
Now, I am very close to accomplishing a goal I set for myself to at least get the opportunity to meet him. But I realize that realistically, that will probably last all of 30seconds, unless God throws a HUGE favor in my direction.

So, I decided that in order to be able to eventually say all I'd like to say, a letter, handed over hopefully personally, is the most likely the easiest way to go about this. But I don't know where to start. I want to sound appreciative and respectful, not like a crazed fan that I'm apt to do. Letters are not a strong point, usually coming out as a rambling rant or lots of complaining in most cases. Stories, when left to my own devices, however, I'm good at, as long as I can stay focused on the scene and not jump forwards and backwards a lot. Another thing I'm apt to do...hence the pause in the story I started about 3 months ago and haven't touched in 2 1/2 months.

Any Suggestions?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Becoming a nightmare

I've mentioned before that I've started paying more attention to what is going on in the Gulf (Or better, what ISN'T going on!) UGH! And I am definitely on board the Boycott BP train thanks to Ian Somerhalder & Richard Patrick, mainly, I know there are plenty of others supporting that cause and I've seen mentions from other people on Twitter too. It's a nightmare down there, I know it is. My bills are high, my income is low and I wish there was some extra lying around so I could donate it to one of the many worthy charities out there that are doing what they can for the animals and people there. These 2 guys, both of whom I have incredible respect for, make me feel weak, ashamed and stubborn from day to day. I'm trying to get my chops up though... Don't give up on me yet, God, I'm there in my heart and on my head, truly, the money and time will come and I will step off the edge and do it, you know? It's a nightmare , too, that I'm in trying to let the patience build up in me and let it settle so I'll make it.

Crap..gotta do some damn work now, I'll come back to this later... ERT.

Okay....6 hours later...

It's taken to long to get back to this today, I don't even know where the rant was going. My brain is still on the Gulf-and contemplating some RT's thru Vamp_Diaries from Ian S about a humane society he's working thru down in LA. I've had my story running through my head. and now I have a copy of LOST season 1 , mainly so I can re-light the fire for it and also to pay attention to one particular storyline that was ended before the end of the first season, ie: Boone... humm, I wonder why?? hahaha at myself, I shouldn't be so obvious.

I was helping to do some cleaning around here too, but got stuck when my mind started floating back into my story again.. need to WRITE!!! got to drop off bud bud first and run a couple errands.. as long as my little plot doesn't get LOST in the mix hehe.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Rut

Okay so again, I've waited a while before writing.... By asking the simple questions: What's your thing? & What do you really enjoy doing? a fellow blogger and dear friend reminded me that writing is such a pleasure for me. I have stories in my head all the time, but I never type them up.. wanting to keep them personal until I have them "finished" or am ready to do something with them. But, more often than not, I just let them go and can almost never remember them. Other times I'll get a start and write a few or even some serious pages but then my concentration is broken and I never get back to it. Sometimes I try to get back to it, but once the thread was broken I have to start all over anyway.


It's so frustrating sometimes..but then...

I have these days where I feel like I've been going in circles, so much, so often, that I'm actually created a rut, and I'm up to my neck and I think "If I don't do or change something NOW I'm going to be stuck here forever!" Lately I've just thought I'd like something drastic or crazy to come out of no where and give me a thrill. But that's not likely to happen. One thing I have learned is that you've got to make stuff like that happen yourself. You believe you can and it will, I've seen proof of it. I also know.. I'm a coward. Yep, I said it. C-O-W-A-R-D. I know what I want and I won't say or do the things that could potentially get me to it. The potential pain that could result is enough to stop this caged Sagittarius in her tracks. And it's been a permanent thing. The only time I've decided that enough was enough and made myself do something drastic and thrilling was when I took myself away from my home and moved to Myrtle Beach. I still have no idea how to do anything alone and under my own power. I never learned, I never tried. I know I'm missing something because of it. Where am I supposed to go from here?

London could be nice...

or NYC..

or Atlanta...

Wouldn't mind visiting New Orleans again...

Something deep down wants to help, I follow Richard Patrick (Filter) and Ian Somerhalder (the Vampire Diaries) both on Twitter, and it's a constant stream from them both about what's going on in the Gulf and against Bp... I know those tweets have caused reactions in people that have gotten off their butts to do something. And I sit here thinking...pick me! take me there! I want to help, but I have nowhere to start and I don't have any idea on what I could do. My plea's are a waste of time. And when it comes to that stuff apparently, so am I.

I get lost in dreams and wishes again, and am left in my rut, where I could be at least writing something other than this stupid blog... But I've got to let it out somewhere.