30 Days of Truth - Day 2

Day 2~ Something you love about yourself

Knowing that I have this understanding of people in general and have the capacity for Unconditional Love, even though that has become more of  a curse lately it seems. 
I hope that doesn't sound conceded...I never know if I sound that way, or if I'm just being honest or what. I'm supposed to be talking about what I love about myself and I don't know if right now at this point, if I even LIKE much. I'm going through changes and trying to go back to the person I do love... but I think it hurt then too. 


Maybe I'll just try to come back to this one in a few days or something... 

30 Days of Truth

I had a friend who got this from another blogger and thought I was something I should like to try as well. Just as she has done I am not promising to do this in a sequence of consecutive day but will try my best to keep up as much as possible. 

Day 1~ Something you hate about yourself

I hate the fact that I am not the same strong person I was in high school. Although it was what I will refer to as "friendly harassment" some someone I considered a close friend that helped me to be that way at the time. Which basically just means he picked on me all the time but was still my friend and helped me build up a thick skin so when it came in nasty ways from my peers it didn't bother me. However, there was then a HUGE, like BIGGEST EVER betrayal by this same person right after high school and my world fell apart in a way the I never imagined it could, hence the downfall of my pride (that, granted was well hidden from those around me) and strength in myself. The one thing I've never lost is my Strength in my Faith in God, even though that is something rarely seen these days as well. So I hate being the outcast I have made myself.

On a good note though, I have seen this things about myself and started to make changes on the inside the pop the bubble around me and start to try and be that person that I've lost again. It's hard and is taking more work than I'm able to put into it right now, because I know the easiest way to be the real me I want to be is to walk away from every one and every thing in my life right now. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.... I know once my child is here I will be able to make myself strong enough to do it because I won't have any other choice.

Fantasy

You're in my head all the time now... I tell myself it's time to let go... But when I start to analyze it I keep coming up with the fact that it's for all the right reasons... The problem with that is I'm a freak'n Sagittarius and you KNOW where our minds always lead! Then, well, shit, THEN I remember you're a Sag. too and that makes my brain just go all wacky. I think that if I finally get to meet you, especially in the 'state' I am now, I will be able to let go of the fantasy and maybe have a piece of reality to think about. Maybe re-spark the inspiration and admiration that you did before. The crazy straying thoughts may take me out of the mundane but I am then stuck with the fact that the mundane is my real life and very soon I really am going to just have to deal with it. If I ever get to hold on to a piece of the fantasy for real...it will last me a lifetime. I will not count on it EVER. I keep telling myself it won't EVER happen and all my efforts in trying to make it happen myself have fallen through over and over and only come across as selfish. I will never have you, but someday maybe I will find someone like you, someone who is everything a woman with a brain needs and wants in her life. Maybe it will be you and it will be the most awesome supporting, encouraging friendship I could think to ask for... that would truly be enough and a strong enough kind of love to sustain me for always.